50 Things Real Parents Have Searched For on Google
We’ve all done it. Each and every one of us has at one time typed some sort of random question into the Google search bar and either been relieved or horrified with the results.
Even though “Dr. Google” sometimes leaves me panicking that my kid’s rash might actually be a strain of flesh-eating bacteria, I am not sure I could survive without Google. (Though I would seriously like to take back that image search on rashes. I can’t unsee that.)
Who else are you going to turn to at 3am to find the symptoms of gas in a newborn? Or ask “My kid likes to hit his head on the floor when he is frustrated, is that normal?” Google doesn’t judge me when I need to find the lyrics for the “Hot Dog” song from Mickey’s Club House. And who else is going to help me answer the endless questions from our preschooler about ridiculous things like, “Do squirrels pee in trees or on the ground?” I don’t know, but Google does. (Spoiler alert: They do pee in trees. You’re now smarter for knowing that).
I asked a number of parents to share with me some of their most memorable Google searches and here are a few of my favorite answers.
Google, how….
1. “How many oranges can kids eat in one day?” —Lenna J.
2. “How to stop a toddler from humping the cat!!” —Camille L.
3. “How can you keep a five-year-old in their bed at night?” —Mandy J.
4. “How to get your kid’s head out of a bucket.” —Bonnie B.
5. “How to get a bead out of your toddler’s nose (snot rocket FTW).” —Mandy J.
6. “How to get blood out of a mattress.” –Jody P.
7. “How you do remove duct tape from delicate skin? This was from the epic time when one son duct taped the other’s private parts. Spraying organic olive oil around the area works nicely!” –Katherine V.
8. “How to check for pebble in toddler’s poop.” —Lenna J.
9. “How many toes do squirrels have?” —Mandy J.
10. “How do roaches poop?” —Bre’onna B.
11. “How to get your toddler to stop playing with his poop!” —Megan M.
12. “How long can a toddler go without pooping? And can you die from not pooping?” —Noella B.
13. “How many gummy vitamins eaten warrant a call to poison control?” —Clare C.
14. “How to get an eraser out of my child’s ear. She ended up having surgery to have it removed!” —Alissa L.
Google, I’m at a loss. Help.
15. “After months of terrorized screaming at bath time, I once Googled if water could actually be painful to my child.” —Brenda N.
16. “Just tonight I googled what to say when your child finds your vibrator in the nightstand drawer! I found a really good article and went with ‘It’s what ladies use to strengthen their pelvic floor muscles after they’ve had babies.’ ” —Naomi W.
17. “What age do children stop wanting to hang out with you when you are going to the bathroom?” —Monica B.
18. “Is there any way to stretch your kid’s stomach by overfeeding them at 15 months? My son went from being indifferent to food to literally eating us out of our house. My husband was very concerned we were going to ‘stretch’ his stomach by feeding him so much.” —Tiffany H.
19. “Why do my three-year-old daughter’s armpits smell like a pubescent high school athlete?” —Lynn W.
20. “My baby won’t sleep, could there be ghosts in his room” —Sabrina G.
21. “Is it normal for your toddler to pull out all the hair on the top of her head? Google was no help for this one!” —CJ B.
22. “What are the best ways to catch projectile vomit?” —Britt L.
23. “How do you remove nail polish from a kid’s face?”—Sarah P.
I don’t know, kid. Better ask Google.
24. “Can alligators yawn?” —Rebecca B.
25. “What is a group of turtles called? (Spoiler alert: It’s a bale.)” —Bobbie B.
26. “Do bears poop when hibernating? (Asked by my seven-year-old. Answer: No, they have a fecal plugs!)” —Adrienne R.
27. “Do cockroaches get hiccups? (My three-year-old was obsessed with finding out. The answer is no by the way.)” —Melanie C.
28. “What is Zuma from Paw Patrol’s catchphrase?” —Elizabeth H.
29. “What are the character’s names on Octonauts?” — Brenda R.
The poop questions
30. “What are normal baby poop colors?” —Maryann G.
31. “Does too much V-8 juice cause diarrhea?” —Jericho B.
32. “I googled ‘raspberry-colored poop’ because Googling ‘red poop’ returned scary results, and it didn’t accurately describe the color.” —Jennifer H.
33. “Will a penny come out in their poop?” —Courtney S.
34. “Does PlayDoh come out in poop?” —Belenda R.
35. “Why is my kid’s poop green? (It was grape Gatorade!)” —Linda T.
36. “Why is my four-year-old’s poop a chalky pewter color?” —Alicia S.
Dr. Google, do I need a real doctor?
37. “Sticker stuck up nose. Emergency room?” —Brian N.
38. “Wood chips—edible?” —Jennifer H.
39. “What diseases do cockroaches carry? (After my child ate one!).” —Anne M.
40. “If a child swallows a coin, can you prove it is still in their tummy by using a metal detector? (The answer is yes. A metal detector will stop beeping once the child poops it out.)” —Kelly C.
41. “Should you go to the hospital for a bruised penis‚and is the damage permanent? (He slammed the toilet seat on it for inquiring minds.)” —Shelly W.
42. “Is the liquid in a glow stick toxic? (Answer: No, it is only an irritant.)” —Christine G.
43. “What are the symptoms of scurvy?” —Jessica R.
44. “What happens if your kid licks a raw pork chop?” —Stephanie L.
45. “Is a Styrofoam cup toxic?” —Jill W.
46. “ Should I call poison control if my child swallowed high blood pressure and anti-diarrhea medicine?” —Jennifer O.
47. “Can a one-year-old get sick from dog food?” —Gliseria S.
48. “What happens if a child eats silica gel? (She ate the little packet that comes in new shoes, purses, etc.)” —Jennifer B.
49. “Can breast milk cure an eye infection?” —Hilary S.
50. “Is cigarette smoke blown in the ear effective for earaches.” —Adrianne S.
Amanda Sorena 
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