Blogger, Writer, Urban Adventurer
Your parental fantasies and realities rarely ever match up. I think this truth came crashing down the moment our toddler had asked “why” for the millionth time and I uttered, “Because I said so!” So many of the cliché parenting phrases have passed my lips over the years that I have lost count. What sticks out more in my memory are all of the times I have had to scold/interject/stop our children from doing completely asinine things, and I think to myself, “did I just say that?”
“Did you just poop on the carpet?” “No, no…we do not rub our nudie booties on our sister’s bed!” “You cannot climb to the top of the pantry! Yes, I know the candy is up there!”
I find comfort in the fact that I am not alone in uttering these crazy phrases in an attempt to teach our children how to one day be civilized human beings who understand boundaries and basic human decency. But in the meantime, I have compiled a list of some of my favorite (true) statements from fellow mothers. Read on for serious laughs:
I know it is your body, but….
1. “Your penis is not a handle.” –Kerri W.
2. “Get that camera out of your underwear!” –Amy C.
3. “Do not pull your penis out in the front yard and pee. Go in the back yard.” –Katie A.
4. “To my twin girls: ‘You do NOT have a penis!'” –LaQuita B.
5. “I had to tell my kids to stop giving themselves hickeys when they were seven and nine!” –Sarah B.
6. “If you carry the Hot Wheels in your underpants and then sit down, it’s going to hurt!” –Kandi D.
7. “Please stop rubbing your body on the (rest stop) garbage can.” –Anna T.
8. “It’s rude to point at people with your penis!” –Tanney A.
9. “Sometimes ‘water the plants’ means with an actual garden hose, so please pull your pants back up. Your services are not currently needed.” –Chrissy P.
10. “NO! Do NOT put that penny in your vagina!” –Mandy J.
11. “‘Get your penis OFF the iPad!’ He was two at the time and it worked as a stylus. #themoreyouknow!” –Ryan M.
12. “Don’t play with your brother’s penis. You can only play with your own. You do not play with your penis at the park…only in the bathroom or bedroom.” –Stephanie P.
13. “You cannot floss your weewee!” –Holly C.
14. “To my three year old, ‘Yes, baby, your penis is big, now stop playing with it.’ –Hilary S.
15. “To twin sister of a brother: ‘No, you can’t have a penis!'” –Brenda R.
16. “Don’t stick your penis in the shower drain, it might get stuck!!!” –Alicia S.
17. “We don’t touch our vaginas at the table.” –Eylisa Y.
You’re cute, but so disgusting (also, stop licking things)
18. “We don’t put hair from a public bathroom floor in our mouth.” –Mindy R.
19. “In the McDonald’s bathroom stall: ‘Don’t lick the handrail!’” –Rebecca F.
20. “I told our son he can’t eat the M&M’s he found on the floor underneath the bench in the airport terminal.” –Brian N.
21. “Please stop looking in the dog’s butt for extra poop.” –Lorien M.
22. “We don’t lick our friends’ butts.” –Nicole F.
23. “Eat the quesadilla; don’t stick it between your toes.” –Anna T.
24. “Poop doesn’t belong in the sink or on the walls!” –Paige R.
25. “Please don’t paint your feet with mustard.” –Nicole F.
26. “Stop forcing yourself to fart or you are going to poop yourself!” –Sheila J.
27. “If you wipe while you are peeing you’re going to be covered in pee.” –Lorien M.
28. “I once told my son he could not bite his toenails and eat them while we were in a Taco Bell.” –Alissa L.
29. “Please don’t lick the shopping cart.” –Tina A.
30. “Stop licking the walls. You’re four for goodness sakes.” –Tiffany J.
31. “OMG! Is that a dirty diaper you’re holding in your teeth?” –Jayne K.
32. “Don’t eat the stuffing in your blanket.” –Erica S.
33. “Don’t eat cheese nips out of your shoe. Get a real bowl.” –Anna M.
34. “Our son pooped at an outdoor restaurant. Mortifying. He said he had to go to the bathroom so, as a boy, I said sure, find a tree. But then we saw the unthinkable….by the tree…” –Sommer B.
What’s the deal with siblings & pets?
35. “No, we cannot sell your brother in a garage sale.” –Alissa L.
36. “Please stop putting the cat in the crisper.” –Haylee B.
37. “Please take the baby out of the fireplace!” –Anna T.
38. “Please don’t lightsaber the baby.” –Colleen F.
39. “You cannot live in a dog crate.” –Jennifer H.
40. “Stop licking your sister’s face!” –Sarah B.
41. “No, you cannot lock your baby brother in the oven. Or the dishwasher.” –Chrissy P.
42. “Don’t baptize the cat!” –Maribeth C.
43. “We have three toilets in the house; don’t pee on the dogs head again.” –Margret M.
44. “Stop chewing on the dog’s tail. I know HE does it, but he doesn’t like when YOU do it!” –Meghan B.
45. “Don’t bite the dog or he’ll bite you back!” –Ruth D.
46. “Did you just bite your brothers balls?!” –Tory G.
47. “Don’t poop on the back patio and let the dog eat it.” –Melissa G.
48. “You do not poke your finger on your sisters butt in the bathtub! Or anytime!” –Lindsey W.
You’re not really in trouble, but man, you are really weird
49. “Yes, I know you want carrots for your birthday, but what else do you want?” –Kerri W.
50. “Yelling that we cannot and will not buy the spinach salad mix they want to have for dinner. We had spinach at home. They were approximately three and four years old. Begging me in Trader Joe’s for spinach salad. People were staring.” –Janet P.
51. “My 4th grader in regard to her book report: ‘What precisely did you mean when you wrote “The Queen thanked Captain Kirk for his ‘services.’?” –Jennifer H.
52. “‘Put the Math away!’ (After bedtime… she’s a fan.)”– Mary-Helen G.
53. “Stop asking for more carrots; you’re going to spoil your appetite.” –Miranda H.
54. “No more broccoli until you eat your chicken.” –Kerri W.
55. “You have to finish your pizza before you can have a cupcake!” –Mandy J.
56. “Did you really just eat the whole container of blueberries?” –Marissa R.
57. “It’s time to stop hugging each other and eat your meals!” –Debbie B.
58. “You can’t order broccoli in the McDonald’s drive through.” –Lucille K.
59. “How is dunking your Oreos in milk gross? Last week you had a cream cheese, peanut butter, hummus and butter sandwich and ate the whole thing!” –Jennifer B.
60. “‘You can’t just take bites out of the vegetables on display at the grocery store!’ We ended up with an unplanned purchase of three heads of broccoli that day…each with tiny teeth marks.” –Melissa P.
61. “I know it’s an ‘easy target’ but please don’t shoot me with your nerf gun every time I bend over.” –KC H.
62. “Please don’t drive your car up my pants.” –Johanna J.
63. “Quit trying to smell my butt! –Hilary S.
64. “Don’t show me your anus again.” –Ashley H.
65. “’Do not touch my body! It is my body and only I can give permission to others to touch it.’ A good life lesson, but just like all moms I just wanted a break from being grabbed, groped, poked and patted for just a few minutes!” –JoBeth R.
66. “My three year old daughter is obsessed with Darth Vader. One day she almost fell backwards off the ottoman when she wasn’t supposed to be up there, I got upset and scolded her and told her to get down. She just stared at me and with a serious face held out her hand like she was force choking me like Vader does. My husband told her “You do not force choke your mother!” #listofthingsyouneverthoughtyoudsay” –Natalie J.
67. “You’re stepping on my nipple!” –Rachel H.